No Matter What: A Letter to the Better Part of Me

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Chuchito,

I have not, up until very recently, been very good at defining exactly what love is. If you asked me at any given moment, I would say that I definitely knew what love was and what it looked like. After all, there’s a whole passage in the Bible dedicated to talking about what it is and what it’s not. Still, my decisions haven’t been such that I really understood what it meant. And though I knew what it meant in theory, I wasn’t every wise enough to just WAIT.

While [not] waiting for, and pursuing my own idea of love, God gave me you. I didn’t love myself enough to take care of ME, but Jesus never did let me go or stop loving me. I was running myself into the ground by refusing to reflect on what was making me feel so stagnant or empty or pathless. I refused to answer the question or find the source, and resorted to putting a not-so-neat  Bandaid on the issue and kept on looking for the love I thought I’d recognize when I saw it.

Then, finally, when I did find the kind of love and acceptance and value I had been searching here on Earth, I found it where I never thought I would. I found it growing inside me, day by day, little by little. Chiquitito, you gave me the value and love I was looking for before we had ever even met.

I felt that I was no longer of any good for God. I felt that He couldn’t, or simply wouldn’t, want to use me anymore for any of his business here with His people. I was so far from Him that I couldn’t understand that He was the only one that could show me this unconditional, profound, all-knowing love that I was seeking. He gave me you, and used you to point to Himself. He never gave up on me. He never let me go. More than just calling me back to Himself, he gave me this gift that would teach me and stabilize me as a Christian, as a woman, and now as a Mama.

Because my God never let me go, I will strive every day to show you, my gift, the same goodness and love He’s shown me. I was far from ok, and still He wanted me. I was far from fulfilling His plan for my life, and He never turned away from me. I dug myself deeper into a dark pit away from those who did love me, and He never stopped stooping down offering me His hand to get back up. He loved me and wanted me back, no matter what.

Baby boy, until I die, I will love you with my whole heart and soul; I never let you go. There will be times when you don’t think you deserve anybody’s concern or compassion, and I will be there. There will be days when you reject some of the ideals or preferences I raised you with, and I will never turn you away. There will be times in your life where you have hit rock bottom and won’t know which way is up, and I will be there to drag you back to the light. I will love you and cherish you and always take you back Yadier Isaac- my gift, my treasure- every day. No matter what.

Te adoro,

Mama

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